Dear Ellen:

Dear Ellen:

Good morning! I am writing to you today to tell a story about someone doing something pretty remarkable for people like the email you will read below. 

There is this girl, well actually woman, but if you asked her she'd say she's still a girl...

Anyways, her name is Jill Smokler. She is the creator of the blog Scary Mommy and has written two bestselling books, CONFESSIONS OF A SCARY MOMMY and MOTHERHOOD COMES NATURALLY (AND OTHER VICIOUS LIES). Now I understand you probably do not think any of this is remarkable and I agree, it is not. However here comes the remarkable part. 

In 2011, well I think it was 2011, she launched a confessional on her blog. It is a place where anyone can go and post ANYTHING anonymously. You see it all there, funny, sad, embarrassing, shocking, etc... In the fall of 2011, Jill noticed that there were more posts with mother's saying how they were not sure if they could provide Thanksgiving for their family that year. The reasons varied, but one thing was clear; Jill needed to do something. 

So she concocted a plan and sent it to all her followers. She blogged about it, facebooked it, tweeted it, emailed it and encouraged people to share. You can read all about it here.

The cliff noted version is, she set up a pay pal account where people could donate $25 and had people contact her if they needed help. She then paired up two $25 donors and sent the families in need a $50 gift card to help provide Thanksgiving dinner. It raised tons of money (see the results here) and reinstated her faith in humanity. She did it again last year, but with the pressure from the year before she had to limit it to only 200 families.

This year she is doing it again (read about it here). She has help these days so it is going much smoother. One of the big differences this year is, once you donate, she is emailing you information about your family. It is their story and it shows why they need help. 

Below I have copied the exact email that was sent to me.

Date October 25, 2013
Dear Danielle:
Thank you so much for your generous donation to Scary Mommy Nation’s Thanksgiving Project! Because of you, a mother is able to provide a loving holiday meal for her family; a family who otherwise would have gone without. That’s a pretty amazing thing!
We thought you might like a little information on the specific family you helped…

Name: DenesseStory: both my fiancé (55) and I (49) are full time students at Virginia college raising Gabriella (11 yr old granddaughter with Asperger's ) and making things work on 140 of AFDC for gabby and food stamps and Steven gives plasma 2 times a wk . Although things were tight we managed . As of late Aug. we have added Gabby's other 2 sisters Carmen and Sophia , as the police dropped them at my door step because my daughter was picked up on drug charges and a failure to appear .....well my daughter only spent 1 wk in jail was released with a fine and new court date ,she is still doing drugs the girls are still with us child protective services has gotten involved only because 6yr old Carmen had never gone to school ....so there are now 5 of us in less than 600 sq.ft we are in a mod rehab program which is housing for parents that are either disabled or in school ....im in my last term for Medical Assistant doing my extern now at the take care clinic in walgreens Steven still has another yr for his associates in networking engineering , Gabby is homeschooled due to her Asperger's so life is a bit hectic our food stamps have been cut and because I still only have power of attorney for Carmen only we are not eligible to receive any benefits for the other girls and since steven has been donating plasma for a while now there are some wks were he can only donate 1 time a wk if at all due to scare tissue so there goes that 40 dollars and I have MS and am on different meds at different times me donating plasma is not an option , I know that this is ...a bump in the road and this too shall pass ....as I hope to be working after graduation in dec and after passing my certification in jan ......these last 5 yrs have been tough 5 yrs ago my 18month old grand son (different daughter) was beaten to death and my daughter was incarcerated for 6 months was found innocent via medical examiner and polygraph ...all of the hardships of incarceration and trial and raising gabby my resources ran out I had a fulltime job working 60 hr wks as a personal shopper for Talbot's all within a 24months I lost my mum (she lived with me for 20 yrs) baby was murdered, daughter incarcerated, murder trial and then homelessness when my resources ran out and my MS took a turn (do to stress im sure) gabby and I and my now released daughter ended up in a shelter program and we all have been moving forward in healing .....so I know there is a rainbow at the end of this storm .W e just need a umbrella ! 
As you celebrate your own holiday, please know Denesse is spending her Thanksgiving being thankful for you. As are we.
If you’d like to encourage your friends and family to give, (or simply brag about how awesome you are for doing so) a collection of buttons can be found here: http://www.scarymommy.com/thanksgiving-buttons
Wishing you and yours a wonderful holiday season,
MikkiOn behalf of Jill Smokler and Scary Mommy Nation

I read it once and did not believe what I read, so I read it again... 

This time I felt as if I was punched in the stomach, so I read it again...

This time left me in tears, so I read it again...

This time I knew I had to do something.

Writing to you is me doing something.

Now because this is my family that I know I have helped...

Not nearly enough... 

But it is a start... 

I am asking you to help them. 

I know nothing more than what is written, however, Jill and her staff have graciously agreed to work with you if you choose to help this family.

I also am asking for you to please share what Jill is doing to all of your millions of fans and followers. 

One person can change a persons life, but more than one can change the world. 

Here are the current stats as of this morning, October 29 at 7AM:

That is pretty remarkable considering she only launched this last week. 

People will help if you ask them.

Please help her, please help this family, please spread the word!!

Thank you for taking the time to read this long, almost equivalent to a dissertation, letter...

Much love,

Danielle Morgan

UPDATE 10/29 1:13PM: 

Crossroads...

I am at a crossroads.

I think.

Here I sit, 1 year 3 months and 14 days after I said (out loud), "I can't do this anymore."

Initially it was like 500 pounds were lifted off of me, but now that I know in four days I can officially start to make "it" official, all 500 pounds plus some are back.

There is nothing I can or want to do. Yet, here's the feeling I so hate.

Maybe it's because the happiness I thought I would have or gain or finally get to experience isn't mine. Maybe it's because the one person who was there with me through it all from day one is suddenly a stranger to me. Maybe it's because I still don't have any of the answers. Or maybe it's as simple as I'm alone, like really really alone, and he's not.

He's moved on.

He loves someone else.

He learned something after all and treats her like I always wish he treated me.

I'm okay with that.

August 2002 I met someone who I hated a little too much. But not really.
September 27, 2003 the choice was no longer ours.
October 2003 I heard the three words every girls wants to hear.
November 21, 2003 our life together started.
August 1, 2006 we made the best thing ever.
March 26, 2007 we made it officially official.
August 19, 2010 I gave up.
March 2012 it will be officially over.

Somewhere there's a circle and it's full.

Maybe I'm having these feelings cause it's around the holiday's or maybe it's the lack of sleep I get these days, either way I'm feeling sad these days.

So I did a marathon...

This past Sunday I thought it'd be a good idea to participate in a measly little race some like to call a marathon. Since I never did a race before I figured I would participate in the biggest in the world. Now 3 years ago I did have a thought process behind applying for said marathon. I knew that it was a lottery process and that NO ONE gets in on their first, second or third time. But their fourth time, just for being so patient, they automatically get in. So in February 2008 I gave NYC Road Runners club my $11 application fee and went on my way. That is until June 2008 when I got my, "Congratulations you've been accepted (out of 100's of 1000's of people) into the NYC Marathon." WTF????!!!!! I canceled that year and went ahead and canceled last year as well, but this year I was doing it.

This is where one would think that I would start training. Obviously that one does not know me. I've got issues. Those close to me know this. See for whatever reason I would rather fail at something knowing I didn't try than fail knowing I did everything in my power to succeed. For instance, say I would have trained and logged 50+ hours a week running through the streets only to not be able to finish 26.2 miles. I would be devastated. Ruined. BUT, say I don't train at all, like seriously, not at all, then if I can't finish it makes sense because I wasn't prepared. See issues. This is also the reason why I don't study for things. ISSUES!!

Fortunately for my ego I finished. I went in knowing that in order to get a medal I needed to finish in 8 hours and 20 minutes. My official time was, 8:04:58. Moral of this story is, if you ever want to do a marathon, you totally can. If I can, I promise you can.

Before the start.

There I am. And yes I'm sobbing. And no it did not take me 9 hours.

Ice Cream Makes Everything Better

When the cone is bigger than you, what more can you ask for?

The annual Olan Mills portrait session.

So every year I have this uncontrollable urge to get Rhys' picture taken at Olan Mills. I usually do it for Halloween, that way I can totally justify the cheesiness. Last year I flaked at Halloween, so I chose to do it for Christmas. For the 5 of you who read it, you may remember, but for the 5 more of you who may read this now, here it is. Anyways, I always try and pick the most obnoxious photo...to an extent. Below, you will find the four I was deciding between.

Her face is pretty funny, but a column??
Really?
She's a mermaid, not a Greek goddess.

I stared at this one for a long time, but I couldn't get past her having no neck.

This one was ALMOST the winner...
but I think I was looking at how awesome her hair looked...

Here it is, the winner of this year's cheesy photo award!!

Two things:
1. My kid would make an awesome mermaid.
2. No you can't buy this costume anywhere, because this is what happens when I ask my mom to make Rhys a mermaid tail, since I don't know how to sew. Yes she made the entire thing. Yes she's crazy.

There's nothing like going through boxes in the attic to make you feel like a hoarder.

So I've been going through boxes in my attic with the attempt at purging some of the junk AKA: garbage. Since August 1996, I have moved approximately 20 times. True story. Every summer I would come home from college and start a new plastic container of much needed stuff. You know, notes from Sociology, drunken pictures of people I didn't know, random movie stubs and so on. These plastic containers were housed in my mother's basement. Every year she would give me the same speech,

Mom: I don't know why the hell you're saving all this shit, but don't you dare think I'm keeping it here forever. Just remember, you don't really live here anymore, this is just a place for you to hang your hat.

Me: Yes mother, I know I can't keep my prized possessions at your house forever. I promise I will take all of them when I live somewhere for real.

Mom: You're so goddamn dramatic.

Me: *blank stare*

So when I finally stopped going to college I stood by my promise and took all the containers with me. For the last six years, they've gone through four moves and I'd yet to go through them. Well, about two weeks ago I decided to start the process.

I think I'm a closet hoarder.

I had papers from my senior year of high school. That was 1996. And when I say papers I'm not talking about papers with good grades, I'm talking about class notes. Now these are notes that I didn't understand when I copied them, so why I thought saving them was beneficial, I'll never understand.

Today, I went through two big containers and found some gems. Some of this stuff is from the 3rd grade. I believe if my math is correct that was the 86-87 school year. Naturally, I took some pictures.

First picture is a tape from Kennywood Park, where you could get in a sound booth and sing whatever song you wanted. They then would broadcast it throughout the game area so everyone could hear you. This is from 1991.

Seriously?? Ice, Ice Baby...
And yes, in the background, that is me in an old-time photo from 1996.

Okay so who remembers Pocket Rockers? Oh course I don't have the actual Pocket Rocker, but I did unearth some cassettes. This is the 3rd grade find.

Here we have "Walk Like An Egyptian,"
"Heaven is a Place on Earth" and an unidentified one.

AND the final treasure that I found...

MY OLD GLASSES!!!
I don't know what made me pick them out, but Christ, this is bad.
I also don't know when they are from, cause I don't ever remember being this geeky.

The plus side of today is I did get rid of two bags of garbage. The downside is, I must now go plant a forest to compensate for all the paper I threw out.

Yes this blog still exists and yes I suck at posting things, but since the universe (facebook) is telling me to post here I am.

Since it's "Wordless Wednesday" I have an excuse to be lazy.

I am, however, taking this advice from the facebook astrologer and posting.
Tomorrow (probably not), I will try and post something with more than 30 words.

My Baby Turned 4 This Past Sunday

Here she is rocking out at her rollerskating party.

WHERE DOES THE TIME GO???

My mini me, maybe

So when a person has a child the very first thing people do, after the appropriate congratulatory response, is stand above them and pick every ounce of them apart, trying to figure out who they look like.

"Oh, she definitely has gramma's nose."

"Well that's my dad's dimple in her chin."

"Who has such long fingers? Not my side."

And so on. I mean seriously, most newborns look like disgruntled old men.

This comparison never ends. For instance, I'm told constantly from people who know my dad that, "I look EXACTLY like him." On the flip side, I'm told constantly from people who know my mom that, "I look EXACTLY like her." Considering that my father is about 98% Italian with about 2% French and my mother is about 98% Irish with about 2% German, how I look EXACTLY like two people who look nothing alike is beyond me. And for the record, I don't even thing I look related to my parents.

Now that I have my own child, I'm, well she, is going through the same thing. My husband and I are both short, but other than that we share no look-a-like qualities. Yet, when she's with me, we look exactly alike and when she's with him they look exactly alike. I never thought she looked like either one of us until my uncle sent me this picture:

This is Rhys, me and my mom. It's almost uncanny how much we look alike.

What's really funny about the above picture is, other than Rhys I don't think my mom and I look like that. You will see below:

Unfortunately this picture is 3 years old, but I will not have a new one taken.

So who do you look like?

Reason 4,723 why I'm terrible at blogging

Okay so here I am and I so desperately want to write something captivating, funny, witty... just pick a word... but I've got nothing.

I love reading blogs, and keeping mine up... well adding buttons and widgets is about all the keeping up I do.... but I just can't seem to post anything.

Some fun facts:
Fact 1: I am a mommy, but I have no business calling myself a "mommy blogger."
Fact 2: I am on some workout mission, but I certainly have no business calling myself a "fitness blogger."
Fact 3: I love to talk and ALWAYS have something to say, but for whatever reason I can't put the constant stream of chatter in print.

So now what?

So again for the very few of you who do read this, just bear with me. I'm trying to get better at this and maybe one day I will.

*Update: Apparently I can't spell the word blogger or bear. I also don't proofread.

Workout Issues

Okay, so I made this wonderful "workout" schedule, so I can always know where I *should* be. I know I should walk everyday and I so aspire to be a runner, SO I scheduled that as well. Problem is I hate being outside and that's where I would walk/run. Logically, I know it's a little insane to keep going back and forth to the gym, when I've got perfectly good sidewalks to use right outside my door. And the other issue, I need to do the walking/running before Rhys wakes up. I used to throw her in the stroller and I could be on my way. Now she wants to walk and play and stop and so on. That's extremely counterproductive when I'm trying to keep my heart rate up. Also it's annoying. (yep I said it) And I don't like waking up early.

So here is my schedule (I know it's a good one, so I understand any jealousy):

So in order to hold myself accountable, I put this widget thing on my blog from Daily Mile, that can track your mileage. As you will see it is still empty.

Oh the Joys of Bowling!

Project Me

Okay, so when I started nursing school in August 2008 I was the lowest weight I'd been since having my child in August 2006. I worked really hard that summer counting points and logging in lots of hours at the gym. I was *dare I say* content. I was able to fit into all my clothing, I could wear a tank top and shorts, I could even wear a bathing suit, but Of course I wanted to lose 10-15 more pounds. I'm never satisfied.

Also, in August 2008 I started taking Zoloft. My anxiety was through the roof and I was starting to have crazy thoughts (not the killing my child kind, but just absurd).

When school officially started, I gained a few pounds. Nothing I was worried about, but annoying nonetheless. In October I decided to get an IUD. Her all the rave and thought, why not? In November I started teaching spin class 3-4 times a week. By this point, I was up about 10 pounds. VERY ANNOYING! In December, I decided to remove the IUD. I did some more research and found people who had gained 10, 20, 50 even 100 pounds from it. At the removal I was up 12 pounds.

March 2009, my cousin died. She was 34. She was an amazing artist and so unbelievably creative. She was one of my best friends growing up. Getting older and moving 600 miles away didn't help us stay close, but we still talked at least once a month, but it wasn't the same. The last time I saw her was in August 2008. She had a slew of physical issues, her lungs not working properly being the main issue. Mentally, she was no joke, but unfortunately her body wasn't having it anymore. After being on a respirator for 6 weeks, she threw the towel in. After her funeral, I *decided* I needed to get my shit together. I joined WW again and was up 25 pounds from my last weigh in in August. Awesome. I lost about 7 pounds over the next 3 weeks, THEN, my gym shut down. No more teaching. SHIT.

May 2009 I started summer school. It was a crazy whirlwind of tests and clinicals and class and just absolute insanity. Somehow from May to August I managed to gain 20 more pounds. If you've lost count, I'm now up 42 pounds from the previous August. *Let me note, that in May I had my thyroid checked and it was normal* * Another note, I joined another gym and was going at least 3 times a week*

So I freaked out a bit and decided that it must be the Zoloft. I did some more crazy research and found more crazy weight gain issues. I, with the help of my midwife, weaned myself off the meds. That was fun. Going from having no feeling for a year to feeling insane is not something I recommend.

The last year has been nothing short of tragic.

In December I *almost* failed out of nursing school by 0.4%, but I used my unofficial lawyer skills (a career I may look into one day) and got myself and 8 others back into the program. I then went into my last and FINAL semester a panic stricken mess. I was convinced the instructors were out to get me. I had crazy anxiety every time I took a test. *I'm feeling the anxiety right now* And I just always felt on edge.

May 2nd, I had my final exam. My final test of my final semester of nursing school. Graduation was May 7th, pinning was May 8th. Everything was paid for, family was coming, phew I finally made it. Errr, wait. I'm sorry, I lied. I needed a 72 on my final. I got a 67. 5 points are the reason I didn't graduate. What makes me feel so much better is that I changed 6 answers from right to wrong. That's an awesome feeling. It was terrible. It still is. I can't really talk about it too much. I also understand that to some people this is nothing tragic. But for me, this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I go back in January and redo the semester. I WILL graduate May 2011. And that's that.

July 8, today. I now sit here officially 45 pounds heavier than I was in August 2008. I'm done. Not only is this extra weight terribly unhealthy, but it has made me a very hateful person. I'm angry all the time. I snap at the littlest things. I go from pure rage to tears in 1.2 seconds. I feel crazy. So I'm done. Last Friday I tweeted this:

"Operation lose 20 lbs in 5 weeks starts today. Well after I eat a bagel w/ cream chz and a coffee drink from Dunkin Donuts. Gym @ 5:30." Fri Jul 2 11:50:54 2010 via Twitter for iPhone

and I meant it. Not sure I'll lose 20 pounds in 5 weeks, but I'm going to try. My ultimate goal is to lose 50 pounds by January 2011. I'm sick of feeling this way. I'm sick of living this way.

If you made it to this point, you have no idea how much I appreciate it. I know this was very long and all over the place, but, well that's where I am right now.

Not really sure if Juilliard is in her future, but she sure is cute!

So since no celebrities have put on a concert yet, I guess it's up to us lay people.

Life After Yes

Let me start off by saying that I have been reading Aidan's blog, http://www.ivyleagueinsecurities.com/ for about a year. She has been bookmarked from day one and I anticipate her daily blog post's, well not daily, but M-F. I have always enjoyed her posts, but they are only a couple hundred words and the topics differ. I knew she had written a book and no matter what, I was going to read it, but these days it seems that anyone and everyone is a "blogger," so expecting the world from a virgin novelist was not something I anticipated.

Boy was I shocked!

I. LOVE. LIFE. AFTER. YES!!!

I will say it again...

I. LOVE. LIFE. AFTER. YES!!!

You will be captivated from the beginning. You go on such an amazing journey with the main character, Quinn. You feel like you either know or know of each and every character, even the ones who are nameless. And you will find yourself rooting for the characters. You will be taken on an emotional roller coaster, that makes you question things in your own life. And at the end you will be satisfied, but sad it is over.

This is the kind of book that great movies are made from.

And I know it is being pigeon-holed as "chick lit," but don't let that tag fool you. Most "chick lit" books are so unbelievably unrealistic (IE: The Devil Wears Prada, the Shopaholic series, Bridget Jones Diary, etc...), that you can predict what will happen three chapters in and you can in no way relate to any characters. Like I said above, you can relate to the characters and all their situations in one way or another. It almost seems like it could be and auto-biography. Although, if "chick lit" is your thing, I have no doubt in my mind that you will definitely enjoy this book.

I am so happy Aidan quit her job and wrote this book. She is a true writer with an amazing gift. I cannot wait for her second novel!!!

You can buy Aidan's book here.

Maddie

My confession....

I suck at this whole blogging thing.

I really, really suck at it.

Here's the thing...

I LOVE the idea of blogging.

I love reading other people's blogs. Ones that make me laugh out loud, like this one, this one and this one (to name a few). Ones that make me cry and smile at the same time. And ones that make me want to be a better person.

I love to hear myself talk, so this shouldn't be a problem, Right?

Wrong!

I've got nothing.

I guess I could talk about my day, but that's no fun.

No you say?

Well for instance, today so far I've printed off three articles on childhood obesity for an evidence based research presentation that I have to give tomorrow in clinicals. I've given my child miralax in hopes that she will poop since she likes to hold it. The same child is now watching The Princess and the Frog for the second time, so I can continue to sit on the computer and ignore her. And I'm gearing up to maybe study for my test on Monday on the hepatic-biliary system.

Now could you imagine if that's all I wrote about.

That has to be some form of blog suicide.

Yes?

So to my three followers, thanks for caring (or feeling bad) enough!

Till the next time I have an itch to write about how much I don't write......

Are you aware?

Wordless Wednesday

Old Navy rocks! How badass are these sunglasses. And for $5!!