Crossroads...

I am at a crossroads.

I think.

Here I sit, 1 year 3 months and 14 days after I said (out loud), "I can't do this anymore."

Initially it was like 500 pounds were lifted off of me, but now that I know in four days I can officially start to make "it" official, all 500 pounds plus some are back.

There is nothing I can or want to do. Yet, here's the feeling I so hate.

Maybe it's because the happiness I thought I would have or gain or finally get to experience isn't mine. Maybe it's because the one person who was there with me through it all from day one is suddenly a stranger to me. Maybe it's because I still don't have any of the answers. Or maybe it's as simple as I'm alone, like really really alone, and he's not.

He's moved on.

He loves someone else.

He learned something after all and treats her like I always wish he treated me.

I'm okay with that.

August 2002 I met someone who I hated a little too much. But not really.
September 27, 2003 the choice was no longer ours.
October 2003 I heard the three words every girls wants to hear.
November 21, 2003 our life together started.
August 1, 2006 we made the best thing ever.
March 26, 2007 we made it officially official.
August 19, 2010 I gave up.
March 2012 it will be officially over.

Somewhere there's a circle and it's full.

Maybe I'm having these feelings cause it's around the holiday's or maybe it's the lack of sleep I get these days, either way I'm feeling sad these days.

So I did a marathon...

This past Sunday I thought it'd be a good idea to participate in a measly little race some like to call a marathon. Since I never did a race before I figured I would participate in the biggest in the world. Now 3 years ago I did have a thought process behind applying for said marathon. I knew that it was a lottery process and that NO ONE gets in on their first, second or third time. But their fourth time, just for being so patient, they automatically get in. So in February 2008 I gave NYC Road Runners club my $11 application fee and went on my way. That is until June 2008 when I got my, "Congratulations you've been accepted (out of 100's of 1000's of people) into the NYC Marathon." WTF????!!!!! I canceled that year and went ahead and canceled last year as well, but this year I was doing it.

This is where one would think that I would start training. Obviously that one does not know me. I've got issues. Those close to me know this. See for whatever reason I would rather fail at something knowing I didn't try than fail knowing I did everything in my power to succeed. For instance, say I would have trained and logged 50+ hours a week running through the streets only to not be able to finish 26.2 miles. I would be devastated. Ruined. BUT, say I don't train at all, like seriously, not at all, then if I can't finish it makes sense because I wasn't prepared. See issues. This is also the reason why I don't study for things. ISSUES!!

Fortunately for my ego I finished. I went in knowing that in order to get a medal I needed to finish in 8 hours and 20 minutes. My official time was, 8:04:58. Moral of this story is, if you ever want to do a marathon, you totally can. If I can, I promise you can.

Before the start.

There I am. And yes I'm sobbing. And no it did not take me 9 hours.

Ice Cream Makes Everything Better

When the cone is bigger than you, what more can you ask for?

The annual Olan Mills portrait session.

So every year I have this uncontrollable urge to get Rhys' picture taken at Olan Mills. I usually do it for Halloween, that way I can totally justify the cheesiness. Last year I flaked at Halloween, so I chose to do it for Christmas. For the 5 of you who read it, you may remember, but for the 5 more of you who may read this now, here it is. Anyways, I always try and pick the most obnoxious photo...to an extent. Below, you will find the four I was deciding between.

Her face is pretty funny, but a column??
Really?
She's a mermaid, not a Greek goddess.

I stared at this one for a long time, but I couldn't get past her having no neck.

This one was ALMOST the winner...
but I think I was looking at how awesome her hair looked...

Here it is, the winner of this year's cheesy photo award!!

Two things:
1. My kid would make an awesome mermaid.
2. No you can't buy this costume anywhere, because this is what happens when I ask my mom to make Rhys a mermaid tail, since I don't know how to sew. Yes she made the entire thing. Yes she's crazy.

There's nothing like going through boxes in the attic to make you feel like a hoarder.

So I've been going through boxes in my attic with the attempt at purging some of the junk AKA: garbage. Since August 1996, I have moved approximately 20 times. True story. Every summer I would come home from college and start a new plastic container of much needed stuff. You know, notes from Sociology, drunken pictures of people I didn't know, random movie stubs and so on. These plastic containers were housed in my mother's basement. Every year she would give me the same speech,

Mom: I don't know why the hell you're saving all this shit, but don't you dare think I'm keeping it here forever. Just remember, you don't really live here anymore, this is just a place for you to hang your hat.

Me: Yes mother, I know I can't keep my prized possessions at your house forever. I promise I will take all of them when I live somewhere for real.

Mom: You're so goddamn dramatic.

Me: *blank stare*

So when I finally stopped going to college I stood by my promise and took all the containers with me. For the last six years, they've gone through four moves and I'd yet to go through them. Well, about two weeks ago I decided to start the process.

I think I'm a closet hoarder.

I had papers from my senior year of high school. That was 1996. And when I say papers I'm not talking about papers with good grades, I'm talking about class notes. Now these are notes that I didn't understand when I copied them, so why I thought saving them was beneficial, I'll never understand.

Today, I went through two big containers and found some gems. Some of this stuff is from the 3rd grade. I believe if my math is correct that was the 86-87 school year. Naturally, I took some pictures.

First picture is a tape from Kennywood Park, where you could get in a sound booth and sing whatever song you wanted. They then would broadcast it throughout the game area so everyone could hear you. This is from 1991.

Seriously?? Ice, Ice Baby...
And yes, in the background, that is me in an old-time photo from 1996.

Okay so who remembers Pocket Rockers? Oh course I don't have the actual Pocket Rocker, but I did unearth some cassettes. This is the 3rd grade find.

Here we have "Walk Like An Egyptian,"
"Heaven is a Place on Earth" and an unidentified one.

AND the final treasure that I found...

MY OLD GLASSES!!!
I don't know what made me pick them out, but Christ, this is bad.
I also don't know when they are from, cause I don't ever remember being this geeky.

The plus side of today is I did get rid of two bags of garbage. The downside is, I must now go plant a forest to compensate for all the paper I threw out.

Yes this blog still exists and yes I suck at posting things, but since the universe (facebook) is telling me to post here I am.

Since it's "Wordless Wednesday" I have an excuse to be lazy.

I am, however, taking this advice from the facebook astrologer and posting.
Tomorrow (probably not), I will try and post something with more than 30 words.

My Baby Turned 4 This Past Sunday

Here she is rocking out at her rollerskating party.

WHERE DOES THE TIME GO???