Project Me

Okay, so when I started nursing school in August 2008 I was the lowest weight I'd been since having my child in August 2006. I worked really hard that summer counting points and logging in lots of hours at the gym. I was *dare I say* content. I was able to fit into all my clothing, I could wear a tank top and shorts, I could even wear a bathing suit, but Of course I wanted to lose 10-15 more pounds. I'm never satisfied.

Also, in August 2008 I started taking Zoloft. My anxiety was through the roof and I was starting to have crazy thoughts (not the killing my child kind, but just absurd).

When school officially started, I gained a few pounds. Nothing I was worried about, but annoying nonetheless. In October I decided to get an IUD. Her all the rave and thought, why not? In November I started teaching spin class 3-4 times a week. By this point, I was up about 10 pounds. VERY ANNOYING! In December, I decided to remove the IUD. I did some more research and found people who had gained 10, 20, 50 even 100 pounds from it. At the removal I was up 12 pounds.

March 2009, my cousin died. She was 34. She was an amazing
artist and so unbelievably creative. She was one of my best friends growing up. Getting older and moving 600 miles away didn't help us stay close, but we still talked at least once a month, but it wasn't the same. The last time I saw her was in August 2008. She had a slew of physical issues, her lungs not working properly being the main issue. Mentally, she was no joke, but unfortunately her body wasn't having it anymore. After being on a respirator for 6 weeks, she threw the towel in. After her funeral, I *decided* I needed to get my shit together. I joined WW again and was up 25 pounds from my last weigh in in August. Awesome. I lost about 7 pounds over the next 3 weeks, THEN, my gym shut down. No more teaching. SHIT.

May 2009 I started summer school. It was a crazy whirlwind of tests and clinicals and class and just absolute insanity. Somehow from May to August I managed to gain 20 more pounds. If you've lost count, I'm now up 42 pounds from the previous August.
*Let me note, that in May I had my thyroid checked and it was normal* * Another note, I joined another gym and was going at least 3 times a week*

So I freaked out a bit and decided that it must be the Zoloft. I did some more crazy research and found more crazy weight gain issues. I, with the help of my midwife, weaned myself off the meds. That was fun. Going from having no feeling for a year to feeling insane is not something I recommend.

The last year has been nothing short of tragic.

In December I *almost* failed out of nursing school by 0.4%, but I used my unofficial lawyer skills (a career I may look into one day) and got myself and 8 others back into the program. I then went into my last and FINAL semester a panic stricken mess. I was convinced the instructors were out to get me. I had crazy anxiety every time I took a test.
*I'm feeling the anxiety right now* And I just always felt on edge.

May 2nd, I had my final exam. My final test of my final semester of nursing school. Graduation was May 7th, pinning was May 8th. Everything was paid for, family was coming, phew I finally made it. Errr, wait. I'm sorry, I lied. I needed a 72 on my final. I got a 67. 5 points are the reason I didn't graduate. What makes me feel so much better is that I changed 6 answers from right to wrong. That's an awesome feeling. It was terrible. It still is. I can't really talk about it too much. I also understand that to some people this is nothing tragic. But for me, this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I go back in January and redo the semester. I WILL graduate May 2011. And that's that.

July 8, today. I now sit here officially 45 pounds heavier than I was in August 2008. I'm done. Not only is this extra weight terribly unhealthy, but it has made me a very hateful person. I'm angry all the time. I snap at the littlest things. I go from pure rage to tears in 1.2 seconds. I feel crazy. So I'm done. Last Friday I tweeted this:

"Operation lose 20 lbs in 5 weeks starts today. Well after I eat a bagel w/ cream chz and a coffee drink from Dunkin Donuts. Gym @ 5:30."
and I meant it. Not sure I'll lose 20 pounds in 5 weeks, but I'm going to try. My ultimate goal is to lose 50 pounds by January 2011. I'm sick of feeling this way. I'm sick of living this way.

If you made it to this point, you have no idea how much I appreciate it. I know this was very long and all over the place, but, well that's where I am right now.

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